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ja ne! ^_^

THE DUMMY’S GUIDE TO STAYING HOME ALONE!

Forewarning: In this article and the ones following this, I’m not saying any of you should do any of this (like that would stop most of you >_>). This is all just for fun. I’m saying all this stuff because I found out that a young cousin of mine reads my blog (ok so he is like 13, but he’s always gonna be a kid to me, dammit! I remember the time when he was born! That is my guide or scale or whatever to determine if a person is ‘too young’!)

I hope no one rats out on me to my parents!

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This is a memoir of sorts on how to fully appreciate a house that is devoid of authoritative figures (be it for even one measly hour).

In this article I shall outline all the important basic rules one should follow:

1- BE PREPARED!

Ever heard the phrase, ‘unexpected turn of events’? Well, don’t scoff it off as a myth! The reason this phrase exists is because it’s true. It’s not something that always happens in the books you read or the movies you watch. Therefore, my first and foremost advise to you all is to always expect the inevitable, i.e. parents returning home before you’ve pulled your fly up!

This covers a vast area of the home-alone-experience. In fact, almost every other aspect in this guide is an extension of this point. How you can be prepared is to always plan ahead and have all the necessary items in place and, of course, be alert. As said by Professor Moody (if you don’t know who that is, too bad), CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Scenario: Suppose your parents went out for a party, a movie, is late getting home from work, etc, doesn’t matter what, and there’s a movie or something that you want to catch on cable. Now, your parents have given specific instructions that you were not to touch the TV and were to revise your lessons, blah blah blah.

First, don’t expect your parents to be gone for the whole time they’re supposed to be gone. Always remember that they might come home any second for various reasons, again, doesn’t matter what.

Second, keep the volume of your TV low. You don’t want them hearing it as they come in.

Third, keep your books open near you if you happen to study in the living room. If not, as soon as you hear your parents drive up, turn the TV off (remember to switch the channels!) and pretend that you came down, for a glass of water or something.

Fourth, be veerry paranoid. Listen for footsteps and other telling signs of the two forces. Switch off the TV at any given suspicious sound.

Last, but not least, TRY NOT TO LOOK GUILTY! Be calm. Relax. And remember not to freeze with the remote control in your hands like a doofus when they show up!

2- HAVE A SIBLING

Okay, so maybe it’s not something you can do, but for those of you who have a sister or brother I’d like to point out some things that will I’m sure help. Now, having a sibling involved in your little acts of deliberate disobedience depends on 3 factors:

Number 1: Do they like you?

This is the most important of the aforementioned 3 factors. If your brother or sister has sworn vengeance on you, there’s no way you can just do willy-nilly in the house. Surely the little brat (or older brat) would rat out on you! So I think in accordance to ‘be prepared’, one should be nice to their sibling, however nauseating it may be, if you want to choose a career in house-hold mayhem. Now, if your sibling and you like each other or can at least be civil with each other, you have the advantage of an alibi. It’s the age-old, ‘you scratch my back, I scratch yours’ concept of helping each other out. Although, in order to make sure it doesn’t backfire on you, you gotta be sure not to piss each other off too much! If it comes down to it, be sure you have discriminating evidence against your sibling for blackmailing purposes; but then that’s another thing and I’m not going to go into that..yet.

Number 2: Do you have the same interests?

Although this isn’t necessarily important, it has the ability of: providing more fun for the parties involved; giving each other courage knowing, you’ve found an ally in your own blood and getting out of trouble in the nick of time when you’re working together to achieve the same goal.

Number 3: Are they impervious to torture?

So they might like you a lot and may share the same interests as you, but how strong are they when confronted? It’s a bit difficult when you can’t even hate the little snots responsible for it when you land in trouble because they caved under questioning. You know they didn’t do it on purpose, but just can’t help making violent gestures with your hands whenever you see them and then you end up guilt-ridden. In order to avoid feeling like that, be sure your partner-in-crime is up to the dangers of the task ahead. If you feel like your sibling lacks in this category, I strongly recommend that you not include him/her in your misdemeanors, unless you are super confident that you won’t leave evidence for the ‘enemy’ to find and question.

Me? I have an older sister and although we both kinda keep to ourselves, we happen to like the same stuff, so it’s great when our parents are out. We totally got each other’s backs, although it’s mainly ‘cause we just don’t like the sound of mum shouting. At all.

(To be continued)